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The chimp in charge of EVERYTHING

A quick time lapse drawing to a story I recently told my son at bedtime. Enjoy!

There once was a chimp in charge of EVERYTHING.

He believed in breaking windows, chopping stuff up, and shouting all the time.

And EVERYONE loved him. They spent all day breaking, chopping, and shouting. And they were happy.

Until one day, a little dog said, "Mr. Chimpanzee, I have broken glass in my paws." And a mouse came along and said, "I have chopped off all my whiskers!"

And as the chimpanzee tried to help them, a hippo hobbled up and shouted, "MISTER CHIMPANZEE, THERE'S TOO MUCH SHOUTING! I'M GOING TO LOSE MY HEARING! CAN SOMEONE ELSE BE IN CHARGE?!!"

So, since chimpanzee didn't want ANYONE to get hurt, he decided to only be in charge of breaking eggs, and chopping only wood, and only shouting when the little ones needed to come home.

And after that, NO ONE was in charge of EVERYTHING ever again.

-told to my son on the way to bed tonight. 



Men are Limited

This is not news to women, nor is it exclusive to men, but it must be said out loud sometimes.

Men are limited.

The highest any man has ever jumped is a hair over eight feet. And while I am amazed that Javier Sotomayor managed to do this, it's only eight feet.

There are no Million Dollar Men; there are no Jason Bournes; there are no James Bonds. In fact the closest thing we have to any of these characters are war criminals or psychopaths or both. See this Mother Jones article about the 62 mass killings America has witnessed since 1982 committed by 44 men and 1 woman.

So do men suck? They don't, they are limited. I am limited. But we are taught to be strong yet gentle, wise yet foolish, powerful yet meek, free yet stable, proud yet humble.

There are many paradoxes faced by women too. Men are catching up trying to identify their own.

We are a limited species living in a culture that believes in doing more than we can. Let's confess that we are human (and maybe stop producing war criminals and psychopaths too). At the very least, let's slow down and relate.

 

 

Force a gift on the wrong person. A thinly veiled autobiography.

 

  1. Establish a connection with new colleague, ____, ideally because he invited you to lunch at a Mexican place off the beaten track. 
  2. Arrive late at proposed meeting place, but text ahead.
  3. Catch up on life. Be grateful for the common friendship you share.
  4. Remind yourself that _____ is no better than you are.
  5. Struggle to tell _____ the real story of who you are even though you try to tell him the story you suspect he wants if he's to hire you.
  6. A week later, connect with _____'s colleagues over another lunch in your honor he also buys.
  7. Arrive late on the bus, text ahead.
  8. Listen to _____ introduce you to his brilliant colleagues as a cartoonist who needs to get out more, so you feel foolish.
  9. Amaze yourself as you manage to engage in good conversation with people doing things you know very little about.
  10. Allow your voice to be quiet and shaky. Remind yourself that this is compassion at work.
  11. Be grateful later for a private moment with _____ where you can "dig deeper" into how he might find your work valuable.
  12. Call back in a week to close the sale as _____ tries to tell you he doesn't need your help because your work is too existential and his work is actually taking off the way it is.
  13. Awkwardly shift gears and offer _____ a listening ear about his personal life.
  14. Listen to him say it was a loving gesture, but feel the sting when he accuses you of putting him on the couch.
  15. Three silent weeks later, listen to the trusted friend who introduced you share the story of how he and _____ ask each other "What was that?" When referring to their shared experiences of trying to work with you professionally.
  16. Go home and cook dinner for your family with earplugs in so you don't have to engage.
  17. Lose sleep that night.
  18. The next day, connect with an amazing new client who reminds you of this quote:

"When someone tells me "no," it doesn't mean I can't do it, it simply means I can't do it with them."  -Karen E. Quinones Miller

Reconnecting with a Dis-organized 4 Year Old

What you will need: A set of earplugs, one 4-year old, throwable toy objects, a stud finder, a drill, an eye hook, a sky chair, a ceiling

  1. Put an earplugs in ears.
  2. Move slowly away from flying toy objects and screaming. Try not to draw attention to yourself as this may entice the subject.
  3. Quickly, use a studfinder to locate a floor joist in your basement ceiling.
  4. Still moving efficiently, use your drill to drive a pilot hole in this ceiling.
  5. Screw in a 5/8" eye hook or larger.
  6. Hang a sky chair from your ceiling.
  7. Again, without drawing too much attention to yourself, sit down slowly, and begin swinging casually as if relaxed.
  8. Relax.
  9. Once your pre-schooler notices, welcome him or her onto your lap for a snuggle.

 

Creating a child. A simple step by step guide.

 

  1. Find a partner. This partner may be temporary but is ideally longterm and an astronaut. 
  2. From your shared supply of xx chromosomes, select an x.
  3. From your shared supply of xy chromosomes, select an x or y (Note: choose carefully).
  4. Using preferred fertizilation device (penis need not be present—video here), introduce your 2 chromosomes in a birth canal or petri dish.
  5. Transfer to a womb for gestation.
  6. Read Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow (last chance).
  7. Deliver a baby.
  8. While mostly in a grey fog, access all of your life wisdom to raise baby to become a healthy, compassionate, adult astronaut.
  9. Start over every day.
  10. Get back what you put in.